Hi! I'm the author! (contact info at bottom of page). Like my photo? I call it "Portrait of a Semi-Demonic Model". I look like I can shoot lasers out of my eyes or something.

Now, of course, I don't look like this except when I have a fresh makeover, great lighting and a photographer who says "arch your back! It gives the appearance of a full chest!" (Huh? This isn't for Hustler, it's for a book!) I usually look more like this, but I was pretty dateless before the book, so I wanted a good photo on the back. Oh damn, wait, now, I gotta throw another photo up here to make up for that drunken slob one. Damn, I don't wanna be conceited, let me put up another horri...forget this.

Want basics, like age and hometown? Here ya go.

Want nonsensical blabber about my life and thoughts? Keep reading.

1) I'm not a millionaire despite what some newspapers and TV shows have reported. Few people become millionaires writing paperback books. A Hollywood heavyweight has optioned the film and TV rights to The Broke Diaries and when she sells them somewhere, I'll get a nice check as well. I also give comedic lectures at colleges [contact info at bottom of page] and dance (fully clothed) in music videos (long story that will be in the next book).

2) I practice being happy. I learned this from books like The Writings of Florence Scovel Schinn. Traffic jams, mean people, and bad service don't get to me. Sh*t happens. What you put out is what you get back. It's much easier to be nice to the waiter who took thirty minutes to bring you the wrong order 'cause later he won't suspect you're the one who wrote the long letter to his boss and got him fired.

3) Gossip is worthless. People are going to talk about you. So what? People are going to judge you not knowing what you've been through. So what? I don't know any old people who say "I'm glad I talked so much trash about people! That made my life better!" Pray for the trash-talkers to realize that all the time they spend talking about you, they could be working on making themselves happy. I do enjoy a good read of "National Enquirer", though. You know you do, too.

4) You're broke? Learn to laugh about it. Being broke sucks, but being a broke miserable ass sucks even more. When you're broke all you have is your sanity and that expired can of tuna. Don't give away your sanity (but return that can of expired tuna for a new one. Express outrage at the store for selling outdated product even if you bought it a year ago. If you're truly hungry, I believe you will be forgiven for this sin.)

5) Yes, I feel bad about a few of the things I admit to doing in the book. At least I didn't steal anything (that was my girlfriend, read carefully!) like some of you who write me and say you read the whole book in the store. Thief! :-)

6) Animals rule. You should always be nice to them and not only because they can bite you if you're not.

As you can see, I'm deep sometimes. Deep like a Mr. Turtle Pool. No diving, please. Thanks, drive thru. (Buy the book here!)